


A Torchwood Work Night's Dream

by Dark_Dreymer



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Gwen Bashing, M/M, References to Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 20:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11448198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Dreymer/pseuds/Dark_Dreymer
Summary: On a perfect summer’s night the Torchwood team is stuck inside the Hub working, but the magic of theFairiesAlien Tech is with them.





	A Torchwood Work Night's Dream

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older fic, I'm simply adding it to the archive.

This is a tale of love, and so like any such tale must begin with two lovers. The first was a man of pale skin and brown eyes that held the depth of the Universe itself, he was a man of mysteries and went by the title of Doctor. He was loved very dearly by a man known as Jack, the charismatic Jack had spent many long years courting the beautiful man until the Doctor could deny his love no longer and the two entwined in fiery passion (And silken bed sheets.)

But in a world so cruel things could never be so simple, Jack was already involved with another. A responsible young man by the name of Ianto who was very successful and rich (From having discovered an addictive new blend of coffee.) Ianto and Jack were arranged to be wed, but Jack no longer wished to go through with the ceremony. So in the middle of that torchwood work night the two lovers planned to elope in the TARDIS to lands far away where they could be together.

But there remains a final side to the love polygon; a close friend of Jack’s had fallen for his friend’s fiancé. John Hart felt his heart beat at thrice speed when he gazed upon young Ianto's behind in those fabulous suit pants, but his tongue could never follow the speed at which his thoughts flowed and he always managed to insult the other instead of charming him (Most often by calling him ‘Eye Candy’).

Yet there were others in the Hub that night. King Owen and Queen Toshiko, Lord and Lady of the ~~Fairies~~ Alien Tech, and love blossomed even for them. Queen Toshiko had fallen ever so much for her King, but he simply wasn’t interested in her advances, and so Queen Toshiko approached her faithful subject: Gwuck.

“What was that?” Queen Toshiko asked as a deep sigh emanated from seemingly nowhere, the sheer volume overwhelming the entire Hub.  
“The Author giving up on sounding Shakespearian.” Gwuck explained twiddling a pen between idle fingers.  
“Well Gwuck, I need a favor.” Queen Toshiko stated.  
“My name’s Gwen.” Said Gwuck.  
“No it isn’t.” Queen Toshiko pulled out a script from under her Queenly tiara and showed it to Gwuck, “‘Queen Toshiko approached her faithful subject: Gwuck.’” Queen Toshiko quoted.  
“It could be a typo.” Gwuck reasoned.  
“I think it’s because the author hates you.” King Owen said bluntly leaning over from his desk nearby.  
“Oh, sod off Owen.” Gwuck muttered, “What was the favor you wanted Tosh?” Gwuck asked when King Owen had left.  
“King Owen has been ignoring my advances.” Queen Toshiko said sadly, “I need you to get the Pheromone Spray for me.”  
“The Pheromone Spray?” Gwuck repeated, “Isn’t that a little… morally questionable?”  
“Fine. Then use the fireflower instead?” Queen Toshiko said with her hands on her hips.  
“What does that do?” Gwuck asked her mind drawing a blank as it so often did.  
“One drop of it’s nectar into the eyes of any sleeping person will make them fall in love with the first person they see upon waking.”  
“Well that doesn’t sound quite as ethically questionable.” Gwuck said thoughtfully (And I use that term lightly).  
“Very well. Then locate for me the fireflower and squeeze one drop of its nectar into the eye of my beloved King Owen as he sleeps.”

So Gwuck obediently went and found the fireflower from where it had been kept in storage. Taking the delicate blossom in her hands Gwuck returned the way she had come, but on her way she came across John Hart who seemed very upset.  
“Alas.” John cried emotionally, relapsing very briefly into Shakespearian, “He shall never return my love. Oh, how pitifully I pine for the man who doth wear his suit to such heavenly perfection.” He continued to agonize in a monologue that lasted many minutes, and when it was finally over Gwuck lifted her weary head shaking off sleep.  
The hurt in the man’s voice made Gwuck sympathize with him, so she set out in search of the man who wore his suit so perfectly with the intent of using the fireflower to fix this problem.

Unfortunately Gwuck was incredibly thick…  
“Oi!” Gwuck stated to no one in particular, “You could’ve said naïve.”  
…Gwuck was incredibly thick, ignorant of things that others would notice in a heartbeat, so vast was her stupidity that when…  
“We get it already, get on with the story.”  
…That when she came across the sleeping form of the man known as Doctor (Ianto in all his preparation for the wedding had forgotten his duties of purchasing tea and coffee and supplies of much needed caffeine had run dry.) she presumed him to be the man of whom John had spoken.  
“This man wears a suit.” Gwuck reasoned eyeing the pinstriped clothing of the man curled up on a chair, fast asleep and breathing peacefully, “This is the man whom John described.” Without hesitation Gwuck squeezed the precious nectar into the Doctor’s eyes.  
“Hello…?” The voice of John could be heard from nearby. Gwuck swiftly ~~used her fairy magic to make herself invisible~~ hid behind the Rift Manipulator.  
The Doctor woke at the sound of the voice, and in front of his vision came the most breathtaking creature he had ever seen.  
“Why, you are so handsome.” The Doctor gushed getting up immediately and launching himself at John, enveloping the startled man in a hug and pressing his lips against John’s in a passionate kiss. Smiling to herself Gwuck snuck off to find King Owen.

*

King Owen was down in the medical labs ~~examining an alien corpse~~ sleeping. Gwuck crept close and delivered the precious nectar to the eyes of the sleeping King, before retreating to find her Mistress and tell her of the mission’s success.

Before she could however somebody else stumbled into the medical lab, and I do mean stumbled. The man was clearly quite drunk, it was clear from his staggering gait, general odor and the donkey head perched on his own. The man’s name was Rhys and he had been at a drunken costume party when he had found his way into Torchwood, mistaking it for the toilet.

As he urinated against a cupboard King Owen awoke and disastrously his nectar filled eyes were drawn to the man.  
“Why, whatever are you doing here?” King Owen asked feeling embarrassed in sight of such an attractive man.  
“Taking a slash.” Rhys mumbled clumsily zipping up his jeans.  
“Tell me stranger, do you believe in love at first sight?” King Owen asked looking deep into the bloodshot eyes of the drunken man; one pupil was larger than the other. Truthfully Rhys didn’t believe in love at first sight, but he did believe in love after six pints. The two men kissed in an awkward drunken way with far too much clashing of teeth and the taste of salted peanuts shared between them. Neither noticed these ills as each was intoxicated, though one on love rather than alcohol.

*

“Doctor, whatever are you doing?” John asked pushing the desperate man away from him. The Doctor whined, grinding his hardening length into John’s thigh desperate for friction.  
“John, take me now. Please, I’m yours John.” The Doctor gushed, eyes darkened with uncontrollable lust.  
“I cannot, however beautiful you may be. My heart belongs to Ianto alone and I would never betray him.”  
Gwuck cursed silently, having overheard this entire conversation on her way to find Queen Toshiko. Pulling out the fireflower again she went off in search of this ‘Ianto.’

A short while later she stumbled upon another sleeping man, this one wore a suit too, though of pure black, and the material was stretched tight in all the right places to enhance the excellent figure of the man.  
“This must be Ianto.” Gwuck stated to herself rather needlessly, dripping nectar into the man’s eyes and hoping she wasn’t making another spectacular fuck-up.  
A short while later John hurried over, not looking where he was going because he was watching out for The Doctor who had been following him. As such he fell right into Ianto knocking both of them to the floor.  
“Ouch, you clumsy stupid…” Ianto cursed, but then opened his eyes and activated the enchantment, “…Gorgeous man.” And much to John’s amazement Ianto leant upwards and kissed him gently on the lips.  
Gwen smiled happily, but then The Doctor stumbled across the two men entangled on the Hub floor.  
“What are you doing?” The Doctor used all his strength to pull John off of Ianto and placed the man behind him, fixing a fierce glare upon the man in the floor, “John is mine!”  
“How dare you.” Ianto forced himself to his feet and launched himself at The Doctor, clawing behind the man and reaching desperately for John.

“What on earth is happening here?” Jack asked startled by the commotion.  
“He’s mine.” The Doctor shouted scratching at Ianto’s face.  
“No he isn’t.” Ianto yelled back kneeing The Doctor in the stomach.  
“They’re fighting.” John stated the obvious.  
“Why?” Jack asked, mildly turned on by the catfight.  
“I’m not sure.” John said, “The Doctor was trying to kiss me but I said I didn’t feel that way about him. Then Ianto who didn’t feel that way about me suddenly did. The two are fighting to decide who gets me, I think. It’s all very confusing.”  
“Please, stop.” Jack tried to ply The Doctor away, “One of you could get hurt.”  
“Leave me alone.” The Doctor pushed Jack away with one hand, and held Ianto’s forehead away from him with the other.  
“But I love you.” Jack said, voice wavering slightly.  
“I love only John, and he will be mine.”  
“Not if I can help it.” Ianto said swinging his arms at thin air and pushing with all his might against the hand on his forehead.  
“I wish they’d stop.” John stated helping Jack up, “I’m not interested in The Doctor.”  
“But he won’t listen.” Jack sighed, “He seems to have forgotten me entirely, as if by an enchantment.”

“Gwuck, what is going on here?” Gwuck jumped in surprise as the strict voice of Queen Toshiko came from behind her.  
“Uh, um.” Gwuck laughed slightly nervously rubbing the back of her neck, “I may have used the fireflower on them.”  
“I only asked you to use it on King Owen. You’ve been very foolish.” Queen Toshiko scolded taking out a small gun, “I’ll handle this.” She turned it on the four men.  
“You’re going to kill them?” Gwuck asked outraged.  
“I’m going to fix your mistakes.” Queen Toshiko said using the sleep-ray on the four men, “Now help me.” Queen Toshiko said.  
Gwuck actually ended up moving the four men into position while Queen Toshiko bossed her around. When they were finished Jack and The Doctor were facing each other, and next to them Ianto and John were lying facing each other. Queen Toshiko snatched the fireflower from the foolish Gwuck and squeezed a drop into the eye of each man.  
“When they awake they will all fall for their intended partners. Everyone will be happy and they will live happily ever after.” Queen Toshiko explained, “Now, where is King Owen. I hope you at least managed to get that part of my plan right.”  
“Of course I did.” Gwuck stated huffily, blissfully ignorant of how wrong she was, “He’s sleeping in the medical lab with one drop of nectar in each eye.”  
“One in each eye?” Queen Toshiko repeated, “You fool, I said one drop would be enough. No wonder these men were reacting so primitively, you doubled the dose. I hope for your sake King Owen is still sleeping.” With that Queen Toshiko stormed off, with Gwuck following along nervously.

Upon entering the medical lab they found King Owen half-buried beneath a large man with a donkey’s head, their limbs entangled in such a way that it was very difficult to tell which appendage belonged to which man.  
“Ah! An alien.” Gwuck called reaching for her pistol upon noticing Rhys.  
“Idiot!” Queen Toshiko cursed, pulling off the costume head, “Tis an ass outfit, naught more.” The woman launched the heavy costume at Gwuck and the woman collapsed under its weight.  
“That hurt.” Gwuck muttered rubbing her forehead and getting to her feet, “And was the Shakespearian really necessary?”  
“Never mind.” Queen Toshiko muttered squeezing a drop of nectar into the eye of her beloved, “Wake up my dearest King.” She said sweetly, bumping King Owen’s shoulder.  
“Why do I feel like I’ve been hit from behind by a freight train?” King Owen asked sitting up and rubbing his neck, “…and why am I naked, and why does it smell of piss in here and why…?” But at that moment he opened his eyes and all his worries were washed away by the beauty of Queen Toshiko, “My Lady,” Owen hopped off the lab table, bent to one knee and kissed Queen Toshiko’s hand, “…may I have the honor of escorting you to the cinema?”  
“You might want to put some clothes on first.” Queen Toshiko suggested with the slightest hint of a smile.  
“Ah yes.” King Owen observed his nudity before turning to locate his clothes from all across the room.

After King Owen and Queen Toshiko had left for their date, and Jack and The Doctor had eloped across the galaxy in the TARDIS, and Ianto and John had gone away into the sunset hand in hand (Planning on visiting the supermarket to buy more coffee beans), Gwuck was left alone in the Hub with a great deal of mess and an unconscious drunken oaf.

The unconscious drunken oaf chose that moment to wake up with a splitting headache, “Do you have any aspirin?” He asked looking over to Gwuck.  
“Aren’t you curious as to where you are?” Gwuck asked, “Or why you’re naked?”  
Rhys observed his nudity and shrugged, “Not especially.”  
Gwuck sighed, “There’s aspirin in one of these drawers.”  
And so Gwuck and Rhys spent the rest of the day searching the drawers for medicine (King Owen wasn’t known for his tidiness) and in that time Rhys fell in love with Gwuck and Gwuck decided that a drunken oaf of a man was better than no man at all and pondered why the author hated her so. The answer is because she’s dull.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2008. This cracktastic little romp came to me fully formed from a mixture of too much Pepsi and the smell of fresh cut grass as Spring finally made itself known here in Rainy Ol' England. I wrote and posted it in a single mad sit-down at the keyboard. It's stupid but I can't help but feel some affection for this dumb little fic, I hope it at least put a smile on your face.


End file.
